As the air settled in Pisgah, Alabama, the goal of our Silence and Solitude time was simple. “Come closer to God through silence and reverence in His Word for six hours.” However, to some, even that goal was hard to meet.
I sat down in a creaky foldable chair with a towel for warmth and a Bible. The pages were still relatively new, but each page I turned revealed my colorful highlights and messy handwriting. It took me an hour just to choose where to start. After careful thought, I picked Matthew. Only then did I realize I had never read through all of the Gospels. I had picked verses from sermons or read out loud passages for Easter, but I hadn’t read it all together.
As I was reading verse by verse, I came across my first distraction. A pink caterpillar crawled steadily on a branch. I sat down and began again. It went well until the sun hit my face. I then moved to a shady corner where I could lay my back against a sturdy building. A few minutes in, I was completely asleep. I vaguely remember waking up and hearing the wind against the trees. My leg was dead asleep, and my arm had an imprint of my T-shirt. “I am a failure.” That thought went through my mind as I picked my Bible up. I put so much shame on myself in that moment. I felt like I had not focused on the goal we were given and had “lost” almost two hours to sleep. I felt like I’d sinned by sleeping instead of diving deep into God’s presence and turning my attention to Him.
The rest of the three hours I spent thinking I wasn’t doing what I was supposed to. I did read through half of Matthew, but was I concentrating on the message? Distraction after distraction led me to feel so guilty. I felt like I had to tell my friends that my solitude was “amazing” and “inspirational.” Everyone else’s time with the Lord sounded so pure and restful, And I just felt embarrassed.
Finally, I realized what solitude was really about. It isn’t just “me time” with the Lord. It was sitting with Him and letting everything I am pass through Him. If that meant sleep, then it was rest in Him. If it meant picking up a pink caterpillar, then it was marveling in His design. I didn’t realize that the gift of solitude isn’t sitting alone for hours and non-stop praying, but instead celebrating being with Him and even being aware of how sinful we can be.
It is confession, submission, and celebration in silence. It is a gift that keeps on giving!
Taylor Ballew, Class of 2027
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